The Official Septina Nash Website
(Awk-Awk, Awk, Awk-Awk-Awk!)

FROM THE DESK OF SEPTINA NASH

To: You, Reading This Blog
Your House
Your Home Town
Wherever That Is

Dear You,

They say you can't judge a book by its cover, but that's because you're not a judge on the U.S. Supreme Court. Those folks can judge anything they want--book covers, pie-eating contests, and sometimes even laws.

Right at this moment, as you're reading these words, the nine U.S. Supreme Court judges are sitting around their courthouse, rubbing pie-stains from their black robes, reading this blog, and scowling at the cover below. They're trying to figure out whether The Penguins of Doom is a goofy-but-harmless storybook or an alien plot for warping your mind.

From the title, they probably think this book is only about penguins and doom. Too bad they haven't read inside, or they'd also know about the mad scientists, robot doubles, rock stars, skateboards, shrink rays, empty yogurt containers, mysteriously-missing triplets, and other stuff that wouldn't fit in the title.

The judges, seeing that this book's cover looks a bit like a school notebook, must also think that a lot of math homework gets done during the story. Boy are they ever wrong! I didn't get any math homework done while writing this book, and I'm pretty sure you won't get any done while reading it. But don't worry--you'll learn how to write awesome excuse letters and always stay out of trouble, just like me!

Finally, the nine judges of the U.S. Supreme Court will be impressed by the serious and respectable name listed as the book's author: GREG R. FISHBONE. It's a name that screams out, "POWER! CHARM! HANDSOME GOOD LOOKS!" But really, I have no idea who that guy is or how he got his name printed on the cover of my book. Quinn says the publisher must have thought him up as a way to sell more copies.

The letters in this book were all written by me, Septina Nash, at my desk in homeroom, on the school bus before class, or quickly scribbled in a burger joint in Argentina. One was even written in the second-floor girls' bathroom at O.W. Holmes Middle School, third stall from the right. I won't tell you which letter, but you'll totally be able to guess!

After reviewing this cover, I'm sure the judges will say: "We, the judges of the U.S. Supreme Court, nine of the greatest pie-eating champions of all time, find that The Penguins of Doom is a goofy-but-harmless storybook."

Suckers!

Sincerely,
Septina Nash, An Alien Plot For Warping Your Mind

Dear Davy Jones,

Thank you for your kind offer to be my personal penguin, which you presented in the downloadable song on the Workman Publishing website. Normally I would jump at the chance to have a singing waterfowl of my very own, except that I've recently come into possession of three personal penguins already. A fourth might be a bit much, since Mom and Dad are already complaining about the cost of herring bits and Purina Penguin Chow.

I've asked my triplet-brother Quinn if he might want you as his personal penguin, and he pointed out that you're really not a penguin at all. From the pictures we've seen online, you're not covered with feathers and your hands and body seem almost human. It made no sense until Quinn explained that you are actually a Monkee and only pretending to be a penguin for the song because nothing good rhymes with Monkee except chunky and flunky.

So here is my counter-offer. I will let you be my personal Monkee, and one of my penguins can be your personal penguin. That way everybody wins! I suggest you choose Spots over Stripes or Solids--he's the most musical of the bunch and can play piano while you sing.

Sincerely,

Septina Nash, Your Personal Penguin-Owner

Dear Riot Police of Santiago, Chile,

Why you be hatin' on the penguins? There's no reason to fear the penguins. They're cute and cuddly and generally don't deserve to be beaten with sticks.

Sure, you and your Chilean riot police buddies may have beaten hundreds of penguins in the past, but this time the joke is on you--that's not even a real penguin! It's just a kid dressed up as his school mascot, the Santiago High Submissive Penguin of Non-Violence, during a demonstration in support of higher teacher salaries!

Now don't you guys feel foolish?

Here's a simple test you can use the next time your heavily armed troop is confronted by a creature that may or may not be a penguin. Ask, "Excuse me, sir or madam, but might you happen to be a penguin?"

If the answer is yes, you know that you have a real, live, genuine penguin. And if the answer is no, you either have a human being in a penguin costume or a real, live, genuine penguin who is lying because he's seen this picture.

Sincerely,
Septina Nash, Member SPCP (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Penguins)

Dear Summer Shorts Free Book Contest Lady:

I appreciate that you're giving away five free autographed books to lucky kids who write about the stuff they did this summer, but what if we can't think of anything to write about?

My summer was extremely boring as always, with only seven alien invasions, three journeys to the center of the Earth, six trips through time, one trip to see my brother enter a rhino-riding contest, and a failed attempt to convince Pluto not to leave our Solar System. How am I ever supposed to compete against other kids who had really exciting summers?

Sure, I could make stuff up and say that I went to an amusement park or swam in the ocean, but you'd probably see right through that. I just hope that other kids have thrilling enough lives to download these instructions and send a short paragraph-long essay to your email address by September 7th. Thanks a lot!

Sincerely,

Septina Nash, Summer Blockbuster